Punch Drunk Joe (joeisremy) wrote,
Punch Drunk Joe

I haven't felt this bad in years. It's the point where I feel I must talk about it on lj because it's the only place I ever feel I can vent so it must be bad.

I have a good life and a good job. a job that not many people have and can make the money I make. In march it will 5 years and I just got a raise.

I have a solid group of friends, friends that I love and respect and now with high school so far behind us it's really weeded out who you can depend on.

But right now i just feel like somethings wrong.

There is a girl, a girl I have been in love with for many years. And while this is something that has been weighing on my mind lately I don't think it is the cause of this feeling but at this point I just want to get it out.

It's funny how so many facets of your life can start from one event. Like swim class all but one of my relationships started because of this one swim class I had my junior because I failed my freshmen year because of a broken leg and a bitch of a swim teacher. I guess now I should be thanking her. Had I not given Katlin that note to give to Ayisha, I never would have met Chelsea. Dana was also in the swim class. Ayisha was the original though. We had our encounters leading up til almost the day she left for college. At that point I was just dumped by dana and had no desire in getting into a long distance relationship which is ridiculous now considering I thought chicago was far away.

The last time a saw here was a year and didn't feel any different. But she's definitely grown up and I have to wonder if any of those feelings remain on her side of things or if I'm still a boy with stars in his eyes. But now chicago is turning into New York. I miss I really do but I can't tell now if it's real or the lust of a long forgotten easier life. But I really don't think that's it. Nothing has changed that much and I know I'm more mature than I was then and I still have this feeling. I could bash my head into a wall over the what if's.

How is it I can still feel like I'm losing someone who I might have lost years ago.

I could just be a stupid kid...

I probably am.
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